


Leak

by InfiniteAlexisA



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Coping, Everyone has healthy coping methods but stiles, Helpful Hales, It's not really angst but it's not really happy, Post Nogitsune, Stiles is going through a lot, Unstable Stiles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-09-04
Packaged: 2018-01-24 23:44:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1621319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteAlexisA/pseuds/InfiniteAlexisA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles can't even look at Scott. Not without seeing flashes of metal embedded into his best friends shoulder.</p><p>Can't touch Lydia without remembering the way she flinched after they got her back from the Nogitsune.</p><p>Can't see his dad without knowing that he's the biggest possible disappointment. </p><p>Can't see Chris without having a full scale panic attack. Which is where he is right now, dropping down outside of the Wal-mart, hyperventilating because he caught Chris Argent's eye in the cereal aisle. He vaguely felt Isaac's hands on his shoulders shaking him. He tried not to hear Chris Argent shouting his name. He couldn't really hear anything beyond the rush of blood in his ears anyway. The sound of Lydia's scream ring through his unconscious ears as he laid there and did nothing while his friend died-</p><p>But the sting of the slap across his face, he felt that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm so high I could eat a star

**Author's Note:**

> My AO3 name is also my twitter and insta name, feel free to follow me on both/either  
> I'm Stilesinatrenchcoat on Tumblr, follow me!
> 
> Please like and comment! Even a smiley/sad face comment is good, feedback helps so much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There, in between two of the deadliest people he had ever met, more high and drunk and more messed up than he had ever been, Stiles fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
> 
> And he had never felt safer. 
> 
> And he had never been happier.

"Everything you need is inside you. You don't need school. You don't need parents, your loved ones. You don't need **anyone**."- Sylwia, 'Suicide Room'

* * *

 Stiles can only sleep when he's really fucked up.

It's easiest to get high but then he still dreams, he still gets flashes of darkness and electricity but sometimes its worth it for the few hours of laughter he gets out of his joint. Drinking is the best thing for his problem. Going to random clubs and going home with random people, he just keep moving. Dancing, kissing, fucking, and then blacking out from the world. Blissfully ignorant of dreams.

Stiles can't even look at Scott. Not without seeing flashes of metal embedded into his best friends shoulder.

Can't touch Lydia without remembering the way she flinched after they got her back from the Nogitsune.

Can't see his dad without knowing that he's the biggest possible disappointment. 

Can't see Chris without having a full scale panic attack. Which is where he is right now, dropping down outside of the Wal-mart, hyperventilating because he caught Chris Argent's eye in the cereal aisle. He vaguely felt Isaac's hands on his shoulders shaking him. He tried not to hear Chris Argent shouting his name. He couldn't really hear anything beyond the rush of blood in his ears anyway. The sound of Lydia's scream ring through his unconscious ears as he laid there and did _nothing_ while his friend  _died-_

But the sting of the slap across his face, he felt that.

"Fuck." He hissed out, realizing that drunk grocery shopping was probably not his best idea.

"Come back to us Stilinski."

"You sound like Jackson." Stiles groaned out, pushing Isaac away from him.

"You okay now son?" Chris asked him.

"Now you sound like my father." Stiles said, pushing off of the sidewalk and looking straight at Isaac.

"Seriously man." The blond wolf asked "you okay?"

"I'm peachy." Stiles grinned at him.

Isaac shook his head "No. Well technically yes because you reek of peach vodka but not like, mentally." Isaac grimaced "You're not mentally peachy."

"That was some Stilinski brand rambling my friend."

"Stiles." Isaac sounded exasperated. "Why are you drunk at 3 on a Wednesday afternoon?"

"Are you okay Stiles?" Chris asked. Stiles stiffened and kept his eyes on Isaac.

"I'm fine, thank you for asking." He turned and tried to walk away but he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Where are you going Stiles?"

Nowhere? Everywhere? Straight to hell in a hot rod with his sins on his heels? "Wherever."

"I didn't see the jeep anywhere. Let us give you a ride." Chris said, walking around Stiles and leading him to the car. Stiles focused on the sound of Isaac's breathing to keep himself in check as they walked to the car. He slid into the passenger seat and stared straight ahead.

Chris pulled out of the parking lot and they all drove in silence for a little bit. "Where can I drop you off?"

"Liquor store." He answered immediately.

"You're kidding." Stiles could feel Chris' eyes on him but didn't move.

"I'm really not. The guy on third know me and won't card."

"Does Scott know you're day drinking now?" Isaac asked.

Stiles felt his temper flare. "Haven't seen him outside of school in months." Scott had been spending all of his spare time at the Argent household with Lydia and Isaac. The former having moved in a few months before. They all got together in their own fucked up version of group therapy where Lydia and Chris play chess and Isaac and Scott make out.

Stiles had more productive ways to spend his time.

"Stiles-" Chris sounded determined and Stiles couldn't have that.

"Actually right here is fine." Stiles put his hand on the  door knob. "You can stop the car."

"Stiles I really think-"

"Stop. The car." Stiles said, his hand tightening on the handle. It was silent for a few minutes and then the car pulled over to the side. Stiles jumped out and went to close the door when a voice stopped him.

"If you're not at home and we need to find you, where will you be?"

Stiles thought for a moment, more debating than thinking. "With a Hale." He closed the door and pulled out his cell phone. He sent a text to Peter and Derek to let them know he was coming over and to tell them that if they knew what was good for them they would have something alcoholic waiting for him.

He stopped by his house to grab some weed and see his dad, telling his father where he would be and how long he would be gone. He pretended not to notice how tightly his father hugged him right before he left the house.

He thought about smoking a bowl before he got to Derek's apartment but decided against it since he was already tipsy. He didn't think the wolves would appreciate him stumbling into their place rather than stumbling out of it.

He took the steps to Derek's place two at a time, opting out of taking the elevator because it made him nervous. He knocked twice on the door and only had to wait seconds before he was being let into the apartment by Peter.

"There's Scotch on the table." He told Stiles as he shut the door.

"And beer in the fridge." Derek chimed in from his spot on the couch.

"Naturally I want both."

"Naturally." The men answered together.

"That's creepy guys." Stiles yelled as he grabbed a beer from the fridge.

"It's not like we do it on purpose." Peter shrugged, reaching over him to grab the popcorn from the top of the fridge.

"You hate popcorn." Stiles mumbled.

"Yes, but it is customary to eat popcorn while you watch a movie." Peter told him with a soft pat to the head.

"What are we watching?" Stiles asked, not bothering to take his mouth off the bottle as he spoke.

"Chronicle I think."

Stiles let out a happy noise. "Awe man I love that movie."

The microwave beeped, signaling the completion of the popcorn. "I know." Peter grabbed the popcorn and put another one in the microwave before he took the finished popcorn and poured it in a bowl. After downing the rest of his beer in one Stiles grabbed another one along with three Starbucks drinks out of the fridge.

"I swear we keep those around for you." Peter mentioned, looking at the glass bottles with amusement. "Well you and Derek."

"Starbucks is great." Derek called from the living room.

"So are Frosted Flakes." Stiles snickered. Grabbing the drinks and taking them away from Peters judgmental eyes.

Stiles settled down next to Derek on the couch and popped open his beer, he offered it to Derek. "Wan some?"

Derek smiled at him for a fraction of a second before going back to his neutral face and taking a swig out of Stiles bottle.

"I hate beer." He grimaced.

"Then why'd you drink it?" Stiles asked confused.

Derek's lips twitched "because I thought it would be better with the taste of your lips on the bottle."

Stiles wasn't one to be easily flustered, not anymore. So at that he just leaned in and kissed Derek softly, sighing without opening his eyes once they had pulled apart.

"Stop all that kissing." Peter chastised. "I come baring popcorn and cosmic brownies."

"What's the special occasion?" Stiles quipped as Peter sat next to him.

Derek snorted "The weed in your pocket."

"Oh yeah!" Stiles exclaimed, pulling the dime bag out of his pocket. "Let's burn this baby."

"Exquisite phrasing." Peter said with an exaggerated eye roll.

Stiles chuckled as Derek took the weed from him and started to break it up on the table.

Apparently one of the werewolf talents was rolling because both Peter and Derek could roll a beautiful joint in two minutes.

Soon the movie was playing and the joint was rotating. Taking a stop at Stiles' lips every time he had to pass it from Peter to Derek. They never said anything about his extra hit, they knew he needed it.

Before long Stiles was munching on his fifth handful of popcorn and his third cosmic brownie.

He sighed happily, tracking the movie with lazy eyes and groaning when his cell phone buzzed in his pocket. "Derek, grab that."

Derek shifted until he could reach into Stiles' pocket and grab his cellphone. He handed it to Stiles and the teen thanked him.

"Yo?"

"Stiles?" Scott sounded the same over the phone despite the static distortion.

"Yea, sup?"

"Where are you?"

"Nirvana."

Peter let out a laugh.

"What? Stiles?" Scott was confused "Was that Peter?"

"Hi Scott" Peter yelled into the phone, and Stiles' ear.

"Wow Peter I'm right here." Stiles grimaced.

"Sorry." Peter whispered.

Derek and Stiles busted out into laughter.

"Stiles? Stiles!"

"Scottay!" Stiles laughed, shushing Derek who was using his shoulder to smother his laughter. "What's up?"

Scott was silent for a moment before he said anything. "Stiles...are you drunk?"

"Um...yeah."He scratched the back of his head and shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth. After swallowing it down with his coffee drink he spoke again. “I’m high too in case you were wondering.”

“Stiles why are you doing this?”

“Stupid question Scotty, a better one would why aren't you here?” He asked it carelessly, tossing his head back onto the couch and using his free hand to play with Derek's hair. "Why haven't I seen your furry ass in months? My guess would be because Isaac's been the only one seeing your ass. Congratulations on that by the way, Kira told me all about it over a bottle of Bacardi and a good fuck."

Stiles could hear Stiles' sharp intake of breath perfectly. “Stiles I-"

Derek and Peter both let out an excited noise and Stiles groaned. "I'm missing the movie Scott. See you on the flip side." He ended the call before Scott could protest and settled back into the couch.

Peter handed Stiles a glass with Scotch and ice, Stiles mumbled a small thanks before downing it and holding it out for Peter to refill. Stiles drank two more glasses before setting back against Derek and watching the movie.

There, in between two of the deadliest people he had ever met, more high and drunk and more messed up than he had ever been, Stiles fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

And he had never felt safer.  

And he had never been happier.


	2. Everything that kills me, makes me feel alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek laid him down in the backseat and Stiles was out in seconds. Twisting and turning as his mind devoured him from the inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few people commented on this story and I just...I just want you guys to know that I see and acknowledge your support. I'm just...at a loss for words. Thank you.

 

It's perfectly ok, I'm **afraid** , too.- Untitled La Dispute 

* * *

 When Stiles turns off the lights at night he can still see the electricity in the bulb. It glowed and burned and made Stiles nervous. Sometimes he thinks it would just be better to cut the lights. To cut the cords in his house and live off candlelight, but to do that he'd need a knife. And knives are made of silver.

Silver like Argent.

He doesn't sleep on nights like these. Night’s when he’s completely sober without an ounce of alcohol in sight. Nights when his father wants to sit with him and eat dinner or watch a movie. Nights for his father to see that Stiles was still Stiles with his own eyes, and Stiles couldn’t even blame him.

Stiles sighed and sat up in his bed grabbing his laptop and pulling it open. He had countless tabs open, Netflix, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter are the one’s he keeps open at all times. He didn’t care much for social interaction but it’s the only place he can talk to Kira since she decided to spend the summer traveling.

**Stiles:** Hey, you awake?

**KIra:** Yeah.

**Kira:** What’s up? You still can’t sleep?

**Stiles:** No rest for the wicked, plus I get nightmares, but i haven’t slept in ages.

**Kira:** I hear that.

**Stiles:** It’s like...the battle’s won but there’s still poison in my veins.  

**Kira:** Speaking of poison, you still consuming a liquor store a week?

**Stiles:** Yeah, yeah that’s a thing that’s still happening.

There was a tap against his window and Stiles’ couldn’t help but laugh. He slipped on his shoes before sliding his window open to wave at Kira. He took his time climbing out of the window so he wouldn’t break his neck but soon enough he was hugging Kira and they were both laughing quietly.

“I brought booze.” She said, her cheeks flushed from excitement as she pulled a bottle out of her jacket.

“Did you steal it?” He asked settling down at the base of his house. She grinned and sat down next to him, he grinned back. “That’s my girl.”

They took turns taking swigs from the bottle while they caught up. Kira told Stiles what it was like to cross the country by herself, he told her about all the people she had met and all the cities she had traveled through.

“Manhattan is probably the best city in the world.” She said, her voice a little wobbly, either from emotion or the alcohol. “I think I’m ready to come back though.”

“Back to Beacon Hills?” Stiles asked “Why? You’ve seen the whole country I thought you’d be ready to take on the world next.”

“I think I’m ready Stiles.” She said again. “I’ve had time to deal with everything, think about all the shit that happened with all of us and sort it out in a new environment. I’ve had time to run, now it’s time to come home and deal with my parents, go back to school. it starts tomorrow right?”

“Yeah.” Stiles nodded taking a swig from the unlabeled bottle.

“I don’t think my parents ever took my name out of the system.” She made herself comfortable on Stiles’ shoulder. “How’s Scott and everyone else?”

“Good I think.” Stiles thought back to the last time he saw his old group of friends. “We don’t hang out anymore but I see them around town, they look happy, or as happy as they can given the situation.”

“So you’ve been alone all this time?” She whispered.

“No, not alone, never alone. I’ve had Malia, Deaton’s niece moved here and she’s amazing, and Peter and Derek are actually pretty helpful.”

“But you’re still fighting, still partying and destroying yourself.” She sounded sad and curious and sleepy all at once.

He kissed her forehead and smiled when she curled up closer to him. “In the most beautiful way possible yeah.”

“I’ll be here when you’re ready you know. When you’re ready to deal with everything then I’ll be here.”

Stiles didn’t know how to respond to that so he just started to hum softly until Kira fell asleep. He was as awake as he could possibly be, the previous conversation moving through his mind like glue. Slow and annoying and hard to ignore. He had planned on skipping the first couple of days but maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he would go to school with Kira and deal with his issues. Talk to Scott, hug Lydia, be completely sober for the first day in months. It’s finally time to deal he thought as he watched the sun rise over the trees slowly.  

-

He made it to second period.

He spent a lot of the summer in some sketchy places with some sketchy people, so naturally he went to school with them. He must of looked like he was tweaking when he walked up to them because the blond that went by Tina laughed until she couldn’t breath. They hotboxed Stiles’ car in the school parking lot and they all traded numbers. The kids were burnouts that wouldn’t make it through the year, but they were all cool and he banged the girl that provided the weed over the summer so he always had an in. They gave Stiles two dime bags and a joint and told him to ‘stay hydrated’

Kira sighed when he walked into third period English and Malia let out a surprised little laugh when he settled next to her.

“Dude you reek.” She whispered.

“Mr. Stilinski.” The teacher called “Are you okay? You’re eyes look a little red and hazy.”

“I have glaucoma.” he answered immediately, ignoring the titters and snorts from several of his classmates. “I just took my medication and it leaves me a little woozy but I’m all gucci.”

“You’re all….gucci?” She asked.

He pointed and winked. “Yeahh.”

Malia coughed to cover a laugh and Kira dropped her head to the table.

-

Lunch was a catastrophe. Stiles had made it through English and AP Calc with the glaucoma excuse but when he bumped into Isaac in the hallway the little puppy sniffed him and fucking whimpered and Stiles was not equipped to deal with that so he took off in a sprint to the cafeteria.

He plopped down next to Kira, tired and confused and wishing he was anywhere but here. “I’ve got that summertime sadness.”

“But you’re not even wearing a red dress.” Malia pointed out.

And if that wasn’t the funniest fucking thing Stiles had ever heard then he would lick the devil’s hooves. and- “How do you even spell hooves? Is it one o or three? And do you use a W or a H?”

“Who was taking about hooves?” Lana asked “We were talking about how much Malia’s hair would go for in a weave shop.” Lana was a sweet black stoner with her own personal issues and magic. She could go from valley girl ice cream sweet to a hardcore jailhouse thug that would break your neck. She was Deaton’s niece and Stiles loved her.

“Speaking of which, you are looking hella fine my princess.”

She tossed her ‘hair’ over her shoulder and snorted, she tilted her head to the side and caressed his face. “How high are you?”

“Whaaaat? Me? High? I would never.”

Lana just snorted and continued talking to Malia.

“Incoming on your left.” Kira mumbled before throwing herself into the conversation as well, apparently Malia could get twice as much for her hair since she had never dyed it.

“Stiles?”

Stiles looked to his left to see Scott standing there with Isaac behind him. “Sup Scotty?”

Lana suddenly became very interested in Stiles’ conversation.  

“Do you think we could talk?”

Stiles let out a noise that didn’t sound human and slammed his head into the table Malia snorted.

“Probably not a good idea Scott.” Kira apologised, “He gets mean when he’s coming down.”

“God he’s like a scorpion with words.” Lana mumbled.

“Like you can talk.” he shot back, she made a little noise before directing her attention to the wolves.

“Hi Scott, Hi Isaac. How’s Lydia?” And of course she knew them because she also worked at the clinic when she wasn’t working at the library.

“Still better than you.” They replied together.

Lana swooned “Her sass levels are unbridled, I’m seriously in love.”

“If you haven’t kill anyone she won’t be interested.” and wow that was pretty mean, accurate but mean.

“Shut up Stiles.” He could hear her rolling her eyes. “Maybe you can talk to him when he’s not plastered.”

“That’s probably a good idea.” Isaac mumbled, pulling Scott away. “Bye.”

“Bye Isaac.” Stiles said, pulling his head up and resting the side of his chin in his left hand while he waved with his right.

“You’re such a _dick_.” Malia laughed.

“My darling I,” He held up one finger “Am a grade A asshole, along with my girl Lana we make up the Beacon Hill Asshole Association.”

“If you two are assholes then what does that make us?” Malia asked.

Stiles thought for a good three minutes before snapping his fingers “Skeevy bitches!”

Stiles’ thinks Kira’s smack on the head was worth the side splitting laughter he got from Malia and Lana.

-

Stiles skipped the next three days of school. His GPA would be fine for now so he didn’t feel bad about leaning on the back of the club with his shirt on the ground and blood dripping from his noise. He chuckled and wiped his nose with the back of hand as he straightened up and threw himself first first at the guy that had just punched him.

“Fuck!” The guy hissed out as Stiles’ fist connected with his face, he stumbled back and Stiles started to throw punches at the guy left and right. Laughing as he felt his blood rushing through his body every time his fist connected.

There were people huddled around the fight, chanting and cheering as Stiles kept moving and swinging his fists at the guy who was stumbling and spitting out blood.

“I give man!” The stranger yelled, or tried to as Stiles knocked him to the ground, his fists pounding into the mans face repeatedly. A maniacal giggle bursting from his lips as Derek pulled him off of the guy.

Stiles struggled, his blood still boiling with the urge to hurt, to maim, to kill. He was thriving in the chaos swirling through the air as he heard the groans from the bloodied man and struggled harder until he felt Derek’s soft lips touch his ear and whisper  “I think that’s enough.”

Stiles became boneless in Derek’s arms, letting the wolf carry him outside to the car where Peter was waiting and set him down onto his feet. Stiles sprung to life, spinning around to kiss Derek deeply before pulling back and howling into the night.

“I feel fucking _amazing_ ” He exclaimed. “God, I could jump into the sky and bite the moon!” He looked at his hands and noticed that they were balled into fists and covered in quickly drying blood. Stiles was tempted to lick it off but was sober enough to realize the risk of STD’s  He jumped around instead, throwing quick jabs into the air while growling and laughing.

“Stiles.” Peter managed to sound bored and cautions at the same time “What are you on?”

And isn’t that a good question. “Speed I think.” Stiles was still ghost boxing “I took speed from a stranger and I didn’t see the danger cause I know there’s nothing stranger than free drugs from someone more deranger than me.” He sang the last two words and laughed loudly, spinning and falling and trusting Derek to catch him because he damn sure couldn’t trust himself and-

He shivered violently in Derek’s arms because he couldn’t trust _himself_. That was the whole point of this, he need to be looked after or else he would wake up and he would be gone. He would be trapped inside his mind and be forced to watch something walk around wearing his face  _again._

“Stiles?” Derek was worried.

“The sign Derek.” He started to struggle in Derek’s arms. “I need to read the sign.”

Derek pulled out his cellphone and pulled up his contact list. “What does that say Stiles?”

Stiles sucked in a breath, shaking as he looked at the phone and saw nothing. “I- I can’t-”

Peter came over and put a hand on top of the teens head “Yes you can because you. are. awake.”

So Stiles took a deep breath and started to read the contacts in Derek’s phone slowly, Peter’s hand on his head a gentle grip on reality, until he got to his own name. He took a deep shaky breath and relaxed into Derek’s grip. “I think I’m ready to go home now.”

Derek laid him down in the backseat and Stiles was out in seconds. Twisting and turning as his mind devoured him from the inside.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, here is the second chapter. Lana isn't all that important but she will be mentioned again. In my mind Stiles didn't have the pack so he needed other people. That's where Lana, Malia, and Kira come in. We'll meet more people that Stiles met over the summer, both friends and enemies.


	3. Arrogant Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wasn’t sure how he ended up under Peter Hale but here he was.

Arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to. They're better off **without you**..- Therapy, All Time Low. 

* * *

 

 

 

Stiles had to spend a few weeks with his dad as a result of his near breakdown at the club. After his three day streak there were seven different guys with broken bones and bloodied faces that Stiles didn't need to run into by himself. He couldn't even blame them, the guys had forced him to fight, they didn't force him to enjoy it.

It wasn't as bad as he thought it might be, he went home after school with the girls and they all stuck around until they had to go home or they got bored. Sometimes they slept over but the Sheriff wasn't very big on the idea seeing as how he had caught Stiles with his head between Kira’s thighs on the couch one day. Kira couldn’t help but smirk every time she made eye contact with the sheriff now.

Stiles had been mostly sober for a good three weeks and he was itching out of his skin to get something in his system. He had his teachers on edge with how quiet he was in class. Near silent when they taught their lessons, his eyes moving from side to side and his head and body flinching at every dull sound. Stiles’ had spent the past year fighting the impossible, now he was fighting not to become the impossible, not again. He wasn't good at dealing, coping was not a Stilinski skill.

When the twitcheness got really bad he smoked with the stoners at school and it was enough to take the edge off most of the time but then the teachers noticed that change too. He could smoke at home, but his father was the sheriff and he wouldn’t disrespect his job and his house like that.

His father noticed his efforts, and he thanked him by leaving his Scotch in plain sight some nights. His father was trying in the only way he knew how and Stiles appreciate it. He appreciated the alcohol and the fact that his father watched him from a distance because the fact of the matter was that he was sad, and alone and no one knew how to approach him.

So he spent the three weeks at home until his dad deemed it safe for him to go out again and Stiles was beyond grateful because he didn't know what to do when his father looked at him silently but his eyes spoke. His eyes looked at Stiles and they screamed ‘You’re all I have and it burns me up inside to see you going through chaos.’

Stiles wanted to grab his father by the shoulders and scream at him ‘I am chaos.’ because he was in a dark place where the shadows moved and it wasn't safe to stand with him anymore. He wasn't going to bring his father into the abyss with him.

His dad had told him that he could go out about an hour ago so Stiles had kissed his father goodbye and had made his way over to Derek's.

Now Stiles was sitting on Derek's couch playing grab ass with Peter for the dime bag he had in his back pocket.

When Derek came home Stiles was sitting on Peter's stomach smoking a bowl. Peter had his hands crossed behind his head he tilted his back to smile at Derek.

"This is a lovely view."

Derek just sighed and walked into the kitchen. Stiles trailed after him.

"Derek!" Stiles called happily, wrapping his arms around Derek's torso and snuggling into his back.

He huffed out a laugh "Hi Stiles."

"Do you know what today is Derek?"

Derek stilled before spinning around so Stiles was pressed against his front. "Tuesday, September 28th."

Stiles made an affirmative noise. "Its our two month anniversary."

Derek made a choked noise and wrapped his arms around Stiles. "Yeah...yeah it is." He buried his face in Stiles hair. "You remembered."

"Course I remembered" Stiles was nuzzling his face into Derek's chest. "How could I forget the day you saved my life?"

Derek let out a shaky laugh. "You're impossible."

"I'm your impossible thing." Stiles said, rearing back a little to kiss Derek softly. "I'm sorry I'm such a sucky boyfriend."

"You're the greatest thing to ever happen to me."

"I'm a liar and a murderer."

Derek kissed his forehead "So is Peter." He had learned the hard way what would happen if he tried to tell Stiles’ that it wasn’t his fault. The teen would lash out, It was bloody and destructive and it frightened Derek to the core.

"I'm a alcoholic and a drug addict."

Derek shook his head "But you're not. You're going through a lot and no one can really blame you for having shitty coping methods, you’ve been through enough pain for three lifetimes but you’re still here, you’re still fighting. So you do what you have to to make it through the day, I'm here for you Stiles. I'm here for the long haul."

Stiles sniffled and nuzzled his face into Derek's chest again, drying his tears on Derek's shirt.

"Hey,” Derek spoke softly “wanna smoke another bowl?"

Stiles shook his head and offered Derek a watery smile. "Let's just go watch a movie with Peter. We can go eat out somewhere when I come down."

Derek looked like he wanted to protest for a moment but he just smiled and kissed Stiles one more time before they made their way back to the living room where Peter had put in his headphones to avoid hearing their conversation.

* * *

Stiles managed to avoid all Scott's attempts at conversation. That was probably because Scott was dumb and anytime one of the girls (or Danny) saw him come towards Stiles they carted the teen off somewhere else.

Scott didn’t exactly grasp the whole ‘Stiles needed you and you pissed off so he took to self destructive behavior but he’s getting better and will continue to get better as long as you don’t push him and force him to try and talk’ thing. They all knew that pushing the truth in his face didn’t work with Stiles, Derek had tried, he ended up with a hysterical Stiles and a bullet wound from the sheriff for his troubles.

So of course Isaac was the one to fix it, by simply sitting down at Stiles’ lunch table with Scott and Lydia and asking Stiles what it was like to sleep with Derek.

Stiles blinked once before leering “Are you sure you wanna open this can of worms?”

Isaac grinned like a lunatic. “I’m so ready, and after that we can talk about Scott’s butthole.”

Lana and Malia nearly choked on their food while Scott made a terrified, high pitched noise.

Stiles let out a full belly laugh that attracted the attention of a few other students but he ignored them “It’s like, dark brown right? The same color as the head of his penis?”

Isaac looked thoughtful “Does that mean Derek’s in like...dark pink.”

Stiles nodded “Yeah, kinda like a pink rose petal but darker.”

“This is actually fascinating.” Lydia said, amusement clear in her voice.

“You’re fascinating.” Lana replied almost instantly, grinning shyly at the redhead, Lydia failed to hide the twitch of her lips and Lana smiled triumphantly.

“I’m sorry.” Scott blurted out, breaking the comforting mood that Isaac had set, Lydia, Lana, and Malia managed to look disgusted and unimpressed while Kira and Isaac just sighed.

Stiles blinked “Doesn’t matter”

“I was wrong.”

“Yes, you were.”

“I didn’t think that-”

“No Scott” Stiles cut him off. “You thought. You thought and you realized that it would be a lot easier to get over this whole ordeal if you didn’t have the creature that killed your boyfriend’s girlfriend around.”

“But Stiles you’re not-”

“Oh but I am.” Stiles turned so he was looking directly at Scott. “I’m just as much of a monster as the Nogitsune ever was. It’s like the bastard left my body but the cravings remained, I still thrive in carnage, still breath better when I’m breathing in the fumes of death. I’m still chaos in the purest form buddy boy and when I needed to tell you this four months ago you weren’t around. I needed to talk to you when I felt empty, when I felt like I was just pulling at my self until there was nothing left but the darkness. Do you know what it’s like when the skin you’re wearing doesn’t fit? It's maddening" He ran a hand through his hair and felt his throat dry out, he needed a drink. “I’m everywhere and nowhere Scott. I exist in this metaphysical plain between pain and death and I don’t know which way to go and when I was close enough to the top for you to pull me out you fucked off with the ginger Polly Pocket and wonderpup, away to the big bad hunters house and you fucking _knew_ I couldn’t be anywhere _near_ Alison's dad without-” Stiles stopped and tried to breath but he couldn’t, he just fucking couldn’t breath and he needed to go because he was here and Allison wasn’t and that just wasn’t fair in his eyes.  

He scrambled out of his chair and ignored Scott calling his name, he just needed to get as far away from the school as possible.

He jumped into the jeep, his fingers shaking as he reversed and peeled out of the parking lot, his books forgotten on his seat at the lunch table. He thought about going to Derek’s first but he was really tired of throwing his problems onto the older wolf. He needed someone though, he couldn’t be alone right this moment.

-

He wasn’t sure how he ended up under Peter Hale but here he was.

“We have to stop meeting like this” Peter chuckled.

“I’m a terrible person.” Stiles sighed.

“You’re naturally self destructive and it’s-.”

“Beautiful?” Stiles asked, the word ringing in his head from some past conversation he couldn't remember. The Nogitsune had made him cry and called him beautiful. He had gotten to his knees in that hospital and stuck his hands in the blood. He smeared it all over Stiles face and had told Stiles that he had never looked more beautiful.  

“Understandable.” Peter corrected. “There’s nothing attractive or romantic about your pain Stiles. Don’t romanticize it and don’t trivialize it. Now..” He kissed the top of Stiles’ head “Do you want to tell Derek or shall I?”

Stiles sighed “I’ll tell him of course, he’ll hate me.”

“No he won’t”

Stiles sighed and sat up. “No, he won't.”

-

Derek didn’t hate Stiles, it was worse. He was fucking worried about him and it made Stiles want to spit. He had long given up trying to convince Derek to hate him every time he fucked up but it didn’t make him any less upset when it happened. Derek would hold Stiles until he would stop fighting and whisper ‘That thing took someone beautiful and painted it red, I’m just trying to help you realize that paint can come off.”

Stiles wanted him to understand that he wasn’t painted red, he was stained black.

Stiles stormed into the Hale loft a few days later determined and hopeful as he pushed the door open without knocking and walked into the kitchen where the Hale’s were having breakfast. “I want you to hit me.”

Derek slowly put his bowl of cereal down on the table, Peter and Lana quirked an eyebrow.

“Come again?” Peter asked, bringing his fork filled with eggs, potatoes, and chicken into his mouth. Chicken or the meat of his enemies, Stiles could never be sure when it came to Peter.  

“I need Derek to hit me.”

“....If you want someone to assist your suicide then Peter would be a better person to address given his past.” Lana remarked.

“Please, If I was to orchestrate my own death I would take a helluva lot of people with me.”

“How so?” Peter asked intrigued, Derek was forgotten as he looked dumbly in between his uncle and his boyfriend.

“Say I jumped off a building right? I would have bombs in place with some sort of trigger on my body and as I hit the ground the building would explode behind me.”

“I would assume you would leave Beacon Hills for that, there’s not a building tall enough.” Peter was thoughtful “Why not just kill yourself with a gun or rope?”

Everyone ignored Derek’s noise of protest

“I don’t want to burden someone with the task of finding my body. That’s why I walk all over the place unless it’s an emergency, I don’t trust myself not to just pull the steering wheel.”

“Jesus Stiles-” Derek tried to talk but Peter held up his hand.

“Stiles. Is there any danger of you killing yourself?”

“Not immediate no.”

Peter regarded him for a moment. “If I told you we had a problem with a creature would you intentionally put yourself in the line of danger?”

“I’d follow the chaos.” Stiles told him truthfully. "And at that point I don't know which side I'd be fighting on."

"If you want chaos why not just help the bad guys?" Lana asked.

"I thrive in chaos, looking for chaos when everything is chaos is like looking for a campfire in a volcano. You know it's there but what's the point." Stiles shrugged

Lana hummed. “It might be therapeutic for you to kill something. Your guilt is rooted in the death of an innocent and you’re still drawn to chaos. Killing something evil could take a large burden from your soul. The chaotic urges might not go away but they could lessen if you create your own chaos outside of destroying yourself. ”

“Look at you putting those extra Psychology classes to work.” Stiles teased but then he remembered where he was and- “Lana what are you doing here?”

Lana blinked and then gestured to her plate. “Eating breakfast.”

“Yes but why are you eating breakfast _here_?”

“Well Peter wanted to eat breakfast with Derek” She shoveled a fork full of eggs into her mouth.

Stiles looked to Derek for help but the wolf just sighed and went back to his cereal.

“So you were with Peter before you got here?” Stiles asked.

“Yes.” Lana confirmed.

“ _Why_ were you with Peter?” Stiles stressed.

“Um, because I live with him.”

Stiles flailed. “Since when?”

She shrugged “Like a month now, I told you when it happened but you were still pretty messed up at the time.”

Stiles inhaled sharply “Wow I’m a shitty person.” 

“Naw man, when I told you about it you offered to let me stay with you but I turned you down.”

“What happened?”

“Excuse me?” Lana asked, not looking at Stiles.

“How come you couldn’t stay with Deaton?”

“Why do you want Derek to hit you?” She asked without missing a beat.

“Oh!” Stiles exclaimed, momentarily distracted. “Derek, You have to hit me.”

“Why?” Derek sounded lost and confused.

“I-” Stiles opened his mouth to speak but then let out a little startled laugh. “Guess I forgot.”

“Feel free not to remember.” Derek sighed.

"Want breakfast?" Lana offered.

"Yeah, I got the munchies like a bitch." He sat at the table next to Derek while Lana got him another plate, it was only later, when he was fucked out on the couch next to Derek that he realized he forgot about Lana.

-

Stiles went back to school a week later when the school threatened to bring his dad to court. He mostly went because his dad looked so defeated when he got off the phone.

"I understand." The Sheriff told him. "I was mentally gone for about a year after..." He trailed off "I don't wanna imagine what you're going through. You don't sleep, you don't eat if you're not high, sometimes you move so quick and it's like you're not even human." His father stopped and clenched his fists "Are you still human?"

The resignation in his father's voice was like a brick to the chest for Stiles. "Yeah dad, I'm still human. Or at least as human as I was before all this happened."

His father nodded and looked at Stiles, they were sat next to each other on the couch. "I have the day off."

"I'll come home right after school." Stiles promised.

His father nodded and gave Stiles his best attempt at a smile. Stiles smiled back and pushed himself off the couch, he walked towards the door slowly, breathing deeply as he braced himself for the day ahead.

He wasn't ready, and he didn't think he would ever be again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been….interesting so far, almost therapeutic to write about my own dissolution as though it were someone else’s. Stiles has always been my muse, it just…natural to take my writing in this direction. Healing is not a thing that I know how to do, coping with art or sex is not something I desire, I can’t paint or dance or sing. I can only drink and smoke and write until I collapse. Then I wake up sober and aching and furious at the fact that I’m still alive, when I want to forget about my life and just fucking die I remember that I have words to edit. I get to unravel my own unconscious mind in the morning and it’s the only type of therapy that seems to work for me.


	4. Penny in the air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yes, excuse me.” Kira said, raising her hand as though she were in class “What is a thot and why do they have their own brand of juice?” 
> 
> Malia pointed to Stiles and Lana let out a loud tinkling laugh when he started yelling about how much of a thot is was not before explaining to Kira what a thot actually was.

we are _hollow_ , we are _empty_ , but we have to **carry on** - WAR: pt. II, Former Vandal

* * *

 

Kira wanted the group to go to a party in the village but Lana had everyone on the fence.

"I'm buying bottles." Kira mentioned at lunch, Malia and Stiles looked at each other before looking to Lana for the final vote.

Lana rolled her eyes, flipping her hair slowly over her shoulder she leveled the two with a look before addressing Kira. "We have to do hair, makeup, and clothes together. We sleepover at your house the night before, we pregame with bottles and hotbox the jeep on the way home."

The other three looked at each other before nodding. "We accept your terms."

"Wonderful." Lana said clapping her hands together once. "I haven't been to a party in quite some time."

"What are you talking about?" Malia asked "we were at Riley's party Monday."

"Yeah but that was a house party," she rolled her eyes "This is a real club party. Like with boys and a bar and bitches and boys and...." She grimaced "boys."

"You didn't seem to have a problem with boys last night." Stiles teased.

Lana gave him a look and he laughed.

"Boys aren't the problem. Strange boys, those are the problem. We stick together at this party." Everyone agreed and Lana smiled brightly, content to let them argue over alcohol choices while she picked at her lunch quietly.

Stiles was adamant that they drink Bacardi while Malia said she wouldn't go anywhere without Pinnacle, Kira and Lana agreed they would drink whatever as long as they got a Four Loko.

“I heard the strawberry lemonade taste like thot juice.” Malia said.

Stiles snorted. “It does.”

“Yes, excuse me.” Kira said, raising her hand as though she were in class “What is a thot and why do they have their own brand of juice?”

Malia pointed to Stiles and Lana let out a loud tinkling laugh when he started yelling about how much of a thot is was not before explaining to Kira what a thot actually was.

They argued liquor for the remainder of the week, through group chats and during their get together at the hale house. Stiles refused to call them pack meetings because that sounded like too much of an obligation and Stiles would avoid responsibility at all costs.

"Do we really have to go to this party?" Lana asked for the fifth time that day. "Can't we just get the bottles and party here? I know where Peter keeps his weed."

"You do not." Malia huffed "I don't even know where he keeps his weed."

"Yeah but you don't live there." Lana said smugly.

Malia was silent for a moment "dude, you totally know where he keeps his weed."

"We're going out" Kira stated firmly "but you can totally bring the weed."

"You're not taking any from my supply." Peter sauntered into the loft and sat next to Derek on the couch.

"Its not like you would notice." Lana mumbled.

"Stop it with the mumbling, you know how I feel about the mumbling. Blah, blah blah, blah blah."

Stiles snorted "Did you just quote Tangled at her?"

Peter didn't even look embarrassed "I like to think of myself as a more handsome, slightly more evil Flynn Rider."

"Accurate." Derek agreed "mildly creepy but accurate."

"Isn't mildly creepy just a perk of his charm?" Stiles asked with a wry grin.

"Peter aside I'm curious as to why you're so against going out." Derek directed his statement at Lana.

"Was that a question?" Lana asked "because it didn't sound like a question."

"It was a question." Derek smirked.

Lana shrugged "bad experience."

Peter snorted "that's an understatement."

She shot him an unamused look before glancing at her phone and dutifully ignoring the curious look the rest of the pack gave her.

"So we're just gonna leave that out in the air?" Stiles asked, walking over to the couch and stretching himself over Derek.

"What was that?" Lana asked not looking up from her phone "you want me to deprive you of air?"

Stiles put his hands up and snuggled closer to Derek. "Penny in the air."

The girls managed to shove Stiles into some tight leather pants that would make the queens proud. Malia found her way into a short tight black dress with pink heels, Kira had opted towards leggings with heels and a red bando to match her heels. Lana was wearing a soft pink high-waisted skirt with a black and white polkadot crop top, they all looked wonderful. Lana cracked open the pinnacle and they each took a good couple of swigs before getting into the car and driving towards the village.

Lana took another swig from the bottle and spoke to Stiles “Can we stop by Deatons on the way there, I left my ID and I want to buy a hooka pen.”  

“You don’t keep an ID at my daddy’s house?” Malia asked.

“Awww.” Kira giggled. “You called him daddy.”

“Nigga bring me to Deaton’s house.” Lana snorted, Stiles laughed and pulled down the street to Deaton’s house. Lana was in and out in a few minutes, Deaton stood at the door to watch them off but Stiles felt a weird pull coming from the man.

“I’ll be right back guys, I need to ask Deaton a question.” He slid out of the car and jogged over to Deaton. “Heyyyy Deaton.”

“Hello Mr. Stilinski.” Deaton gave him one of his small smiles. “Thank you for befriending my niece and helping her with the transition into Beacon Hills.”

“Let’s cut the shit Dr. Cryptic.” Stiles said frankly, letting the dark feeling in his stomach spread through his body. “Why doesn’t Lana live here anymore?”

Deaton took half a step back, doing his best not to look visibly startled “You should probably ask her that yourself.”

“She told me once but I was pretty blitzed,” He shrugged. “She’s living with Peter now and everyone is acting like it’s normal so what’s up?”

“What’s up.” Deaton said with a sigh “Is that Peter is a much better fit for Lana than me or her parents. Go enjoy your night Stiles.”

“Wait.” Stiles said. “Can you train me to use my spark?”

Deaton gave him a look that was close to pity “Maybe before but not anymore.”

Stiles regarded him silently before nodding and walking back to the car.

“Sup son?” Malia asked.

“Just had to ask him a question” Stiles shrugged.

Lana gave him a curious glance but it was gone before he was even sure it was there. “Drive homes, you’re dragging me to this party so let’s go.” She made a hurry along motion with her hands and Stiles laughed as he pulled away from the curve.

\--

The building was on fire.

People were screaming, Lana was laughing, and Stiles had his knee in the stomach of the boy that had touched Lana without her permission.

Stiles kept punching the guy underneath him even though he was already unconscious. His body was buzzing with rage as he looked at the douchebag. He remembered the look on Lana’s face when this guy put his hand on her ass, brief and almost unnoticeable but it was there. For a fraction of a mili-second, Lana was fucking terrified before becoming terrifyingly livid and it stirred a storm in Stiles' soul. He kept punching the guy, his body buzzing and burning each time he hit him.

“Enough.” Lana said, putting a hand on his shoulder. Stiles jolted and looked at her, his chest heaving with each heavy breath.

Stiles shook his head “No, no I can’t let this go.”  He took a deep breath and clenched his fists “I want to kill him.” He shook “I want to wait until he’s awake again and drain the pain from his dying body.”

“That’s not you talking dear.” Lana said softly. “That’s the leftover evil sitting in your stomach.”

Stiles heaved for a few moments, looking down at the unconscious guy underneath him. He felt the need to hurt and maim thrumming underneath his skin. He needed to feel the crunch of bones underneath his fingertips. He needed the chaos, and that was a terrifying thought in itself.

He stood up slowly, Lana’s hand on his shoulder was like an anchor as he got to his feet. He looked down at the guy. “Where are the girls?”

“I sent them to the car before I came to get you.” Lana turned him around and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “Thank you for fighting for my virtue.”

Stiles blinked at her, his eyes wide and owl like. “No problem.”

“I think you should see a therapist.” She continued.

Stiles looked back at the bloody, beaten guy on the ground and then back at Lana. “Yeah.”

She nodded and herded him back towards the car, the drove home together with Panic! playing softly in the background, the light from the joint rotating around the car as they hit the empty highway, Stiles watched the lines of chaos twine through the air, leading him back to Beacon Hills.  

* * *

Sometimes you stay up all night with nothing to do, no mythical creatures to research, no random topic to get hyper-focused on, just you and your thoughts, listening to Therapy by All Time Low and reflecting on how shitty your life is. Stiles was having that kind of night. The girls dropped him off at 1 am and he had been sitting in his room for four hours doing nothing. His high was just now dwindling but he had convinced Kira to give him the bottle while she got to keep the Four Loko so he was set.

He was taking shots, spinning around his room with the music, trying to convince himself that he was happy. He listened to dub step and danced in jerky motions like he was a robot. He put on twerk music and moved his hips around and did dirty dance moves in front of his mirror that left him in tears from laughing so much. His father came in to check on him while he was trying to teach himself to ‘throw that ass in a circle’ and looked at him so fondly that Stiles felt sick inside. He knew what his dad was remembering, the Stiles before the Nogitsune. The one that tried to get his dad to do the chacha slide in Wal-mart. The Stiles that dedicated a whole week of his life to learning Spanish dances so he could teach them to Scott.

Stiles hummed thoughtfully as he remembered that. He remembered Scott’s mom coming into the living room to see Stiles and Scott doing an excellent bachata. She couldn't even laugh because they were perfect. Stiles sighed and pulled out his cellphone.

 **Me** [5:34]: You’re a dick but I miss you.

 **Wonderpup** [5:38]: I’m so fucking srry bro. I miss you 2.

 **Me** [5:39]: I’m going to allow you back into my life. Just don’t talk about it.

 **Wonderpup** [5:42]: can do that. hang 2mm? We can toke or something.

Stiles smiled at his phone, Scott was really trying.

 **Me** [5:43]: Sounds good. See you tomorrow. Go to sleep.

 **Wonderpup** [5:46]: Grt! Im doin a thing. Sleep is for the week.

 **Me** [5:47]: *Weak

 **Wonderpup** [5:47]: Fuck you

Stiles cackled loudly and flopped back onto his bed. His head hit the pillow and he didn’t even remember falling asleep.

-

Stiles was thankful to be brought out of his fitful sleep by the buzzing of his phone. He took a few deep breaths and felt his head spin slightly, the memories of last night trickled into his mind slowly. He remembered the club, remembered the lightning in his veins and the fire in Lana’s eyes, he remembered the building going up in flames along with his self control, he remembered Lana telling him to see a therapist. He remembered how beautiful the guy looked on the ground with his own blood leaking onto the pavement. He remembered how he could see chaos in the air like cellphone lines bordering the road back to Beacon Hills.

Stiles sighed and looked at his cellphone.

 **WolfBae ;* <3 <3 [9:45]**: Dead body in the preserve, looks like vampires- D

"This is my time." Stiles whispered as he jumped out of bed and shot Derek a quick text to let him know he was on his way. He immediately called Scott. "Dude!" He yelled into the phone.

"I know right? Dude!" Scott was just as gleeful about the vampires as Stiles was.

"Vampires dude!" Stiles jumped down four steps at a time and almost crashed into his father. "Vampires dad!"

His father groaned "Is there a dead body for me to me to find?"

"Look out for an anonymous tip Sheriff!" Scott yelled through the phone, Stiles let out a gleeful noise as he hugged his dad and grabbed his keys off of the counter.

"It's Twilight in Beacon Hills!" Stiles cackled as he closed the door. Scott and Stiles laughed into the phone until Derek grabbed the phone from Scott.

"Shut up and drive." He ended the call and Stiles couldn't bring himself to care.

Vampires!

He got to the preserve in record time and all but threw himself out of his car in his haste to get to the vampires. He ran, not even feeling the fatigue that came with two hours of sleep because he was all energy and excitement. He needed to be closer to this, he laughed loudly as he thought about how delicious this new problem was, it was gonna be wonderful and, and turbulent! and;

It was gonna be-

It was gonna _be_ -

Well it was gonna be downright chaotic.

And Stiles stopped dead because huh, that was a vaguely alarming thought given his past experiences. It was more than vaguely alarming, it was downright terrifying.

So Stiles stood there, he stood in the middle of the suddenly too loud forest and tried not to think. He tried not to realize that he was running really fast when he first got out of his car. Tried not to realize that he knew exactly where Scott, Derek, and Isaac were. Tried not to feel the electricity in the air, humming under his skin and rooting him to the spot. Tried not to remember that this was exactly how he felt whenever his fists were covered in someone else's blood.

"Stiles?" The soft and confused voice of Isaac broke through Stiles oncoming panic. He looked up and smiled at the blond teen.

"Hey pup, come to find me?"

Isaac regarded him for a moment before smirking "Well little red does have a bad tendency to get lost in the woods."

Stiles rolled his eyes and willed himself to move forward "Come on pup, take me to the big bad wolf."

Isaac crowded Stiles against a tree and boxed him in, not unlike what the stranger had done to Lana at the club. "How do you know I'm not the big bad wolf?"

Stiles looked at Isaac through his eyelashes, biting his bottom lip and taking a shaky breath, he leaned close to Isaac, his breath tickling the wolfs ear. "Because I'm not afraid of you." He shouldered past Isaac and started to walk deeper into the woods, his smirk never letting up.

They made it to the others in a few minutes, Stiles was happily surprised to see Peter had joined the group. He went to stand next to him silently, choosing to address Derek instead.

"Show me the vampires."

Derek rose an eyebrow "you okay? You're heart rate is really up there."

"Yes, because vampires." Stiles stressed "if you can't bring me to the vamps bring me to the body."

"It's a bit of an....unsettling scene." Peter spoke up.

"Good." Stiles grinned. "I'm an unsettling guy."

"You got that right." Isaac muttered, Stiles winked at him but said nothing to answer the questioning looks from the others.

"I can find the body on my own," he told them closing his eyes. "Its like...." He felt for the electricity in the air. "Three minutes that way." Stiles pointed down a path.

"Uh...yeah actually." Scott rubbed the back of his head "how did you do that?"

Stiles shrugged and started walking towards the body.

"He's probably gonna find it too," Isaac mumbled "the big freak."

"Rude." Stiles mumbled back, not really paying attention as he walked towards the static he could see in the air. Buzzing at him, pulling him towards the source of the disturbance. He would have fallen on top of the body if Derek hadn't grabbed him before he fell.

"Dude." He whispered looking at the body. His eyes zeroed in on the two marks on the victim's neck, and arms, and stomach. "Did the whole coven feed off of him?"

"We're not sure" Derek told him "are you okay?"

"This is..." Wrong? Disgusting? Crazy? Fucked up? "Better than expected." And fuck wasn't that the truth.

"Stiles?" Scott sounded scared.

"This is literally better than the best case scenario." He spoke without realizing that he was probably scaring the shit out of his friends. "I can feel it, all of the tournament that went on here." He shivered "I know this is so fucked up but I can taste the chaos in this spot and its fucking delicious."

The silence hung in the air like the clicking of a trigger and Peter clearing his throat was like a bullet in the back for Stiles.

"Maybe we should bring him to Deaton."

Stiles let himself be lead away from the body with little resistance. Leaning against Derek more heavily with each step they took until Derek huffed and picked him up in a fireman's carry, Stiles fell asleep in his boyfriends arms before they made it back to the cars.

-

He woke up to a face full of water, and a mouth full of salt.He sputtered and choked until his mouth was free enough for him to let loose a litany of colorful curse words.

"Stiles? Stiles! Calm down!"

"I will camly choke you out," he cursed as he wiped his face "what the fuck is wrong with you people?!"

"Drink this" someone shoved a cup into Stiles hand and he took a gulp, only to spit it out when the taste of salt flooded his senses once again. He coughed and spit, shivering with disgust as he tried to was the taste out of his mouth.

"What. The. Fuck?" He asked, looking around the room.

"We were just checking you for demonic possession." Scott said rubbing the back of his head. Stiles leveled him with a bitch face so lethal the teen actually flinched.

"Mr. Stilinski I assure you that there is a good reason you’re here." Deaton tried to explain but Stiles was having none of it.

"No, no I highly doubt it.” Stiles was livid “ One minute I’m sleeping in the bae's arms and then I'm getting turned into salted salmon roe by your fucking idiots. I'm so mad I could fucking spit lightning."

"Why not fire?"

"What?” Stiles spun so he could look at Peter.

"You said you could spit lightning." Peter clarified "why not fire?"

"Because..." Because that was all Stiles could feel, electricity running through his veins. Burning behind his eyelids, running through the walls.

A light bulb exploded over them making everyone flinch and Stiles took a deep breath, savoring the taste in the air.

"Because its inside me."

"Stiles?" Deaton questioned.

"I've been wondering this whole time what the nogitsune left behind." He looked around the room as he spoke.

"Your eyes are glowing." Peter sounded awestruck.

"The nogitsune left me a gift," Stiles looked down at his hands, they were pulsing with power. "He left me lightning, he left me a spark even stronger than my own. I can control the power." He looked up and everyone took a step back. "And I'm about to cut the lights."

Scott let loose a scream that was really unnecessary.

Stiles glared at him "I didn't even do anything yet. I'm not even sure I can do anything. I was being dramatic and you ruined it.”

Scott managed to look sheepish.

Stiles sighed and looked at Deaton. "I can seriously feel it though. The thrum of electricity just under my skin. I can feel my magic, and I can feel whatever the nogistune left"

Deaton nodded "that could be phantom energy left over from the nogitsune-"

"But when am I ever so lucky?" Stiles asked with a wry smile.

Deaton managed to look apologetic. "If your soul was pure enough the leftover power could have turned you into a kitsune but I don't think that's what's happening here."

"Aw doc, is my soul not pure?" Stiles teased.

"I think you know the answer to that question."

Stiles just grinned.

"So." Peter interrupted "if he's not exactly human and he's not a kitsune then what is he."

"I never said that he wasn’t human, he’s still human for nowt, give me a few days and I'll let you know what I come up with."

Stiles slid off the exam table and walked over to Derek. "Good, now take me to your place so I can take off these wet clothes and wash the salt off of my body."

“So you’re not worried at all about your missing humanity?” Peter asked him curiously.

Stiles grabbed Derek’s hand and gave a humorless chuckle as they left. "I didn't have that much humanity to begin with."

He found it terrifyingly easy to ignore Scott's pained whine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thot is another word for slut basically.
> 
> It's 1 am, this is my first time sober in a few says, I've had two cups of coffee, and my parents fought for 8 solid hours today. Enjoy the product of that.


	5. I'm not a vampire but I feel like one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Stiles.” Peter cut him off sharply. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but not everyone handles their problems by moving into the bottom of a bottle. We all have problems, we all deal with them differently.” Peter words had Lana looking at him, a soft smile playing on her face. “You’re not the only one here who’s broken.”

Our brains are _sick_ but that's **okay** \- Fake you Out, 21 Pilots

* * *

 

Stiles couldn’t breath, he was running faster than he knew he was able to but there was nothing he could do about it because there was an angry vampire behind him that was very keen on ripping out his insides.

“I think you should consider letting me go!” Stiles yelled, the vampire let out a hiss and Stiles snickered. He hit a hard right and listened to the vampire’s steps stutter behind him. Stiles smirked and opened the water bottle he had in his hand, he turned around just enough to aim and splashed some water at the vampire behind him, careful not to touch it himself. He may not be a demon but his magic might not work well with Holy Water.

He had been working with Deaton and Lana for a few weeks now and they were both amazed with his level of progress. Well Deaton was grudgingly amazed while Lana was silently smug because where Deaton had no luck in helping Stiles chanel his magic, Lana knew exactly what to say to keep him focused.

His magic was on the darker side of the spectrum which made his spark more malleable for Lana’s teachings. It’s been three week and he’s already learned minor control of the elements, how to properly bless holy water and how to project his thoughts into someone else’s head. Deaton wasn’t too happy with the last lesson but It was obvious that Lana didn’t care. Whatever had happened between the two that had caused Melody to move out still wasn’t resolved because Lana spent the training sessions showing Deaton how unneeded he was.

So Stiles threw his holy water at the vampire and let Lana know telepathically that he was on his way back around.

He stopped running and pulled the wooden stake out of his jacket , he ran at the disoriented vampire and shoved it straight into his chest. “Thank you,” He panted “for your consideration.” The vampire started to crack and turn to dust and Stiles could barely contain his glee in watching it die right before his eyes.

He couldn’t help but whistle as he walked back to the rendezvous spot, the chaos lines dancing around him as his walk turned into a skip.

Deaton had found that the chaos lines weren’t a manifestation of the chaos around him, but a side effect from the nogitsune. The lines would never really go away, they would just fade in and out of reality with the amount of chaos that was around him. It was actually very beneficial for the pack and his dad, if something bad enough to be chaotic was going on then he would be able to find it.

He had a bad habit of going out at night, following the lines, and beating the crap out of the guys that needed it. There were some crimes that he actually had to call in, like bank robberies and attempted murder but for the rapes and petty crimes? Stiles unleashed hell.

His father wasn’t exactly happy with the fact that his son had become a vigilante but Stiles laughed easier, he had more color to his cheeks and he was making jokes again. It wasn’t a perfect solution but it would do for now.

“Stiles.” Peter nodded at him as he walked out of the woods and into the parking lot of the preserve.

“Hey Petey.” Stiles grinned, laughing when the older wolf flinched at the nickname. Stiles walked over to Derek and uncrossed his arms so he could slide himself against the werewolf’s broad chest.

Derek growled but didn’t remove him. “I thought we agreed to go together.”

“We did go together.” He mumbled, “Scott, Isaac, Lana, and Kira are here.”

“That’s great but none of them are the leader of this group are they?”

Stiles gave an exaggerated sigh “No Derek. None of them are the leader.”

“I notice you said leader and not alpha.” Isaac mentioned. “How exactly does your pack work?”

Derek shrugged and said “beta pack” like that was an actual answer.

Stiles sighed and turned around so his back was to Derek’s chest. “One, we are not a pack, we are an unorganized group of youths that hang out and kill monster and stuff.”

“So that makes you the UGYTH…” Isaac squinted as he tried to remember the rest of what Stiles had said “OAKMAS.” He finished proudly. “You’re apart of the UGYTHOAKMAS.”

“Call it what you wish.” Stiles shrugged, “The point is that we are not a pack, we are just a rag tag bunch of teenagers that kill things because we all have serious issues. For the werewolves it all boils down to beta pack but the word pack holds too much responsibility for me.”

“And Lord knows you can’t handle responsibility anymore.” Scott mumbled.

The smell of ozone immediately filled the clearing though Stiles’ face remained passive his magic recognized the disrespect for what it was. Ever since that day at the clinic Scott had been ice cold towards Stiles, which was fine by him. He had more important things to worry about.

He was having a hard time living in his own skin without ripping it off so if Scott wanted to have a bitch fit well then that was his business.

“You didn’t seem to mind the responsibility of baiting that vamp into the woods so you could kill it all on your own.” Scott barreled on, everyone around them sighed.

“Would you kill to save a life Scott?” Stiles asked. “Because I would, I have. I take on more responsibility than I should have too. All those deaths that happened when that monster was wearing my face are on my head. Allison’s death is on my head, the suffering of her father, of the entire Argent clan is on my head.” Stiles took a step forward, his eyes sparkling as his aggression grew. “Sometimes I just sit and think about her. How brave, smart and amazing she was. **And now she's dead**. Because of me. **It’s all my fault.** ”

“I don’t know who you think you’re fooling Stiles. You love this!” Scott yelled. “You love the way that we all pretend that never happened, you love the fact that you get to fuck both Hale’s whenever you want. You love the power that comes with this dark magic and I’m sure you regret the death count but you can’t tell me you’re sad about the outcome.”

“Sad? I’m not sad, I’m fucking pissed! I feel like lightning is going to come cracking out of my sneakers with every step I take. My head feel like it’s going to explode with all of this power inside of my body and It’s a struggle every day to keep it contained.” Stiles didn’t know when he got this close to Scott but they were now chest to chest. “Do you know what it’s like feeling the way that I do? Like the enemy, hiding down in the depths of your body.” He took a deep breath and searched Scott’s eyes for any indication that he was understanding what Stiles was telling him. “Like the enemy that is your own body. It’s a smiling god of terrible power and ceaseless appetite and it’s eating me up inside.”

Scott shook his head and looked away. “I understand what you’re saying Stiles I really do but I can’t level with you anymore. You’re not the same person you were before werewolves. There is a god living in your skin and it’s you. I’ve seen the gleam in your eye when you do magic, when you come back from one of those justice hunts we all ignore for whatever reason. I’ve seen the darkness in your eyes, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, you constantly speak and do as you wish with no regard for anyone else. Like a hate felt thought you forgot to repress. You utter your voice and the earth melts and I’m sorry but I can’t bring myself to believe that you really regret all the things that brought us to this moment."

Stiles took a deep breath in through his nose and shook his head. “Think what you want Scott. I can’t make you forgive me when I don’t even forgive me.” He turned around and walked away, ignoring everyone else as he climbed into his jeep. Derek clambered into the passenger seat but said nothing, just sat quietly as Stiles threw the car in reverse and drove away from his friends. If he could still call them that.

* * *

Isaac [3:25 PM]: I don’t care what Scott says, you’re not getting better but you’re not getting worse.

Lana [4:56 PM]: Don’t think this means you can skip out on training, Deaton will help you work on light magic again if you want.

Kira [5:07 PM]: We’re here if you need us.

Malia [5:30 PM]: Nut up, bang your boyfriend, go on a run, scream in the rain and take a nap. See you when you feel like it.

Peter [5:45]: I hate to do this at your time of...emotion, but I have to end our little tyst. It was fun but it seems my newest..thing isn’t as keen to share as Derek is.

Stiles huffed out a laugh at Peter's message. The older wolf was the only one aside from his father and Derek that understood Stiles even a little bit. He understood him the best out of everyone, he knew what it was like to have to drag yourself back from the abyss and he refused to cut Stiles any slack when it came to certain things. He would miss his 'relationship' with Peter but it was for the best.

Stiles really did love Derek and took no pleasure in hurting him every time he came back from the apparent smelling like Peter.

He didn't text anyone back, he just plugged his phone in to charge and went down stairs to curl up in between his father and his werewolf.

* * *

“I remember when one gabapentin and one Oxy had me turnt.” Stiles said into the phone he had cradled between his cheek and his shoulder “Now I need like 6 to have a good time. I haven’t popped pills in a long time but I killed a vampire and I helped Tina pass her entrance exam while drunk today so I feel like I deserve a treat!” He laughed and listened to Isaac talk. “Tina is that blond stoner...yeah I know right! She's got into college." Stiles stumbled a little bit "okay yeah, the pills are taking effect. Im gonna go watch something on Netflix and chill. See you later man.”

Stiles hung the phone up and made his way over to the kitchen slowly. The world felt like it was spinning around him and he smiled lazily. He padded over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of juice from the top shelf. He flailed around the kitchen for a while until he managed to grab a cup and fill it with juice.

His phone buzzed and he groaned as he tried to remember where he put the cell phone. It took him maybe seventeen minutes to realize that he had it in his back pocket. He giggled like a mad man when he realized and fought with his pants, trying to get them to relinquish his phone and came out victorious with a mighty shout. He checked his phone and saw a text from Derek telling him to come to the loft for a pack meeting.

He slid into his car and tried to figure out how to put his seatbelt on for about twenty minutes before he realized that he had already started driving towards Derek’s home. He hummed happily when he realized that he was already on his way and stopped trying to put his seatbelt on, he hadn’t died yet.

He got to Derek’s maybe fifteen minutes later, but that’s only because he had become entranced by the way the sky moved and had driven past Derek’s and had gone on to drive for fifteen more minutes. When he got to the loft he slid out of the car and made his way up the steps and into the elevator.

“ello everyone.” Stiles said as he finally got into the loft.

Everyone looked up at him with wide eyes and Stiles was way too high to even try and figure out why so he floated over to one of the couched and- huh.

Stiles looked down to see that his feet weren't touching the round. “I’m floating.”

“Yeah,” Malia was giving him the side eye. “You’re high and floating.”

“I’m not doing this on purpose.” He mumbled, wiggling his feet to see if he was really levitating off the ground.

“Your magic’s sentient.” Kira sighed. “Fabulous.”

“It’s probably a good thing.” He said as he thought about sitting on the couch and- yay! He was sitting now, fabulous, this magic thing is wonderful. ‘I probably would have died if my magic wasn’t driving the car.”

“Your magic drove you here?” Derek asked in his constipated voice.

Stiles snorted “I damn well didn’t drive.”

“What did you take?” Peter asked, pulling out his cellphone.

Stiles shrugged. “Some expired something-or-another in the cabinet.” He said. Derek yelled his name and he waved him off while he thought. “Hydrocoton.” He told Peter suddenly. “I took some expired Hydrocoton.”

Peter sighed. “How many?”

“Three.”

“And you thought it was a good idea to _drive_?” Peter asked incredulously.

Stiles just shrugged. "Nothing we can do about it now"

Derek sighed, “As interesting as Stiles is we actually do have more important things to talk about.”

“What now?” Malia whined, falling over onto her father, whom just petted her head and offered her a soft ‘there there.’ “Stiles just killed the last of the vempires so whats the problem now?”

“Ghosts.” Derek frowned.

“Ghosts.” Malia repeated dryly.

“Rather, one ghost.” Peter replied. “But she’s causing an awful lot of problems in the woods.”

“Wait.” Stiles said, he could already feel a headache coming on. “Does this have anything to do with the copycat murders happening in the woods?”

Malia groaned loudly.

“What are you talking about Stiles?” Kira asked, “Who’s the murder copycating?” She made a face at the way the word came out but sat there ready for answers.

Stiles sighed. “Before you got here there were a string of murders.” Stiles started.

“You mean that...crazy draco lady?” Kira asked “Scott was telling me and Malia about it but he didn’t really finish, he just says that it all this stuff with you can be traced back to her.”

Stiles flinched but didn’t give an answer to her statement. “It’s pronounced Darach, it’s a dark druid. Our last English teacher Ms. Blake was sacrificing people for power, it was a threefold death Two people were found in the forest, tied to a tree after being the victim of a perfectly executed threefold death.”

“So the copycat is sacrificing people like the Darach did?”

“Actually the copycat is copying herself.” Derek said. “Jennifer may not be alive but she’s working her way back to it. There’s a ghost in the woods and it’s Jennifer fucking Blake.” Derek spit her name like a curse and Stiles couldn’t blame him. The woman had basically raped him with her magic and used him to trigger the ending.

Lana let out a little noise and- wow “Have you been here this whole time?”

Lana blinked. “Yeah.”

“Oh.” Stiles said “You’ve..been quiet.”

“I do that sometimes.” She said with a shrug, obviously trying to play off whatever was wrong.

“Yeah but-”

“Stiles.” Peter cut him off sharply. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but not everyone handles their problems by moving into the bottom of a bottle. We all have problems, we all deal with them differently.” Peter words had Lana looking at him, a soft smile playing on her face. “You’re not the only one here who’s broken.”

And shit if that wasn’t something for Stiles to think about then he didn’t know what was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I quoted the bible in this chapter quite a bit.  
> I've managed to drag myself out of..wherever it is that I go..long enough to edit and update. This chapter is probably a turning point of sorts but not really because i don't know if Stiles is going to ever get better.


	6. Lead me out of the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His input had little to no value and he was only kept around for his research, that and the fact that he was the only human that could control mountain ash. With Lana as the head witch he wasn’t really needed for magic. He knew he was technically the Emissary but his relationship with Scott had been so rocky lately Scott wouldn’t even ask Stiles what kind of Coffee he should buy. For right now he was a non factor, which is why he couldn't comprehend why everyone in the pack was staring at him now.
> 
> "Is there something on my face?" He asked, rubbing at his mouth with the back of his hand.

I know light is your mother, but **_darkness_** I fear- Oh, Catastrophe, Crown The Empire

* * *

 

Stiles had been sober for four weeks now. Well, not sober sober, but sober enough. It wasn't of his own choosing really, drugs were expensive. Drug dealers were fickle, there was a ghost running around sacrificing people. Drugs were not a priority.

Despite it all, being sober hadn't really changed anything. He was still saw chaos and he still had an affinity for dark magic but that was just who he was now. It was something he was finally starting to come to terms with.

One thing that had stayed exactly the same was his sleep pattern. He would stay up for days on end until he crashed, only to be woken up by nightmares a few short hours later. Whenever that happened he took to getting his car and driving around, but not before getting on snapchat and posting a picture of a sad face.

Tonight he drove around for a few hours until he got a snapchat from Lana with an address to what he assumed was Peter's apartment.

He was standing in front of the door twenty five minutes later. He went to knock and wasn't even surprised when Peter opened the door before his fist could connect.

"I, for the record, do not want you here." Peter said before stepping back so Stiles could step in.

Stiles nodded "Noted."

Peter nodded and shut the door behind them as Stiles walked into the apartment. "She's in the kitchen."

"I've made coffee" she said when Stiles made his way into the room. "Sit, drink, converse."

Stiles sat down and took the cup that was offered to him. He took a small sip, and coughed when he realized it was more than just coffee.

"Jamaican rum." She smiled softly, sipping on her own cup slowly. "You like?"

"It's strong." He coughed and wiped at his mouth before taking another sip.

"Just like us." She said in between sips.

"Like you maybe." He said, finally able to swallow without choking.

"Like us." She said sternly. "We are magic. We are the Emissary and the alpha witch." Her eyes sparked "We are the left hand of the pack, doing what is necessary to keep everyone safe." She regarded him for a moment "would you kill to save a life?"

"Yes." He answered immediately, taking another sip.

"Then you and I are the same, we are strong but we are damaged."

"You called us the left hand," He backtracked "I thought the phrase was right hand."

"Maybe when you're Derek or Lydia." Peter mused, walking into the kitchen. "The right hands are trustworthy,  they will listen to the alpha without fail and do as he says without question. We," Peter looked at Stiles as he drank from his cup "are not those people."

"We are the hidden and the twisted," Lana spoke "we are the ones that the alphas send at night to take care of the work that was left unfinished in the day."

"We do the dirty work." Stiles finished.

"We do." Peter nodded. "Me, you, and Lana. We're Derek's left hands. We are the one's that Derek comes to when there is nothing left. We do what we do for the good of of the pack. We are the most important psychopaths in the world. We're crazy, but we're stable." He gave Stiles a significant look.

Stiles took a big gulp, shivering as the alcohol burned his chest. “ Is this an intervention?"

"Not really." Lana shrugged "this is whatever you want it to be, you need to get your shit together Stiles. For the pack, for your dad, and for Allison."

"Don't say her name like you knew her." His voice shook as he spoke.

"Then let me." Peter said. "Allison would kill you for the way you've been acting, she'd slice you up with her Chinese ring daggers and then kiss it all better. She's dead. You have to move on, and so does Scott. You both need each other to heal."

"Scott hates me."

"Scott lost his first love." Peter said.

"And you lost your mind." Lana said gently. "What you both need is each other.

"ll be going"

Lana nodded "Pack meeting tomorrow."

"I'll be there."

"I didn't doubt you would be." She refilled her coffee cup and glanced at Stiles.

He stood up slowly, the alcohol filtering through his system as he made his way to the front door. He wobbled with his steps but made it out of the apartment safely. Getting behind the wheel of his car he closed his eyes, resolved to spend the night there because he was too drunk to drive but he was sober enough to realize that he was too drunk to drive.

Which was why he was surprised when he opened his eyes and realized he had made his way to the edge of town, to the cemetery.

After a moment he got out and started walking past the graves, his fingers tracing the headstones lazily until he reached his mothers. He smiled and rubbed it gently, not wanting to speak to his mother while drunk but suddenly realizing that he wanted wanted to talk to someone, Realizing that there was someone he should have spoken too a long time ago.

"Hey there fearless warrior." He smirked as he stood in front of Allison's grave. "It's been a long time since we've spoken. Too long. So much has happened and I wish you had been here for it. Um, I'm magic now." Stiles stood there, telling Allison everything that had happened since she has passed. He told her about his magic and his drugs. Told her about Isaac and Scott, told her about Malia and Lydia's new friendship,  told her about Lana and about whatever was happening with her and Peter.

He spoke to her for hours, laughing and crying as he told her everything. He spoke himself hoarse, until the words were cut off by his tears. "I'm sorry." He sobbed, falling to his knees "I'm so fucking sorry I killed you," he had both hands on the headstone as he sobbed over her grave "Scott hates me, I hate me, please hate me too. I need you to hate me." But she wouldn't, he knew she wouldn’t. She would laugh and say 'oh Stiles, I could never hate you.' And she would roll her eyes 'stop being ridiculous.' Before laughing one more time and running back to Scott

Stiles want to run to Scott.

He pulled out his phone with shaky hands and typed the first digit from Scott's number, it went straight voice mail. He called twice more and listened as Scott denied his call both times. He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath as he started to type.

Stiles [4:58]: I need your help.

Scott [4:59]: I don't even know how to help you anymore.

Stiles [5:02] : I know It's been a long year, I can't change the past

Stiles [5:03]: I cried so much I don't know how I've lasted.

Stiles [5:04]: We’re best friends and we always will be. I'm scared as fuck and I just need you back.

Scott [5:07]: I really miss my batman. I know I've been unreasonable and there's so many things I wanna say

Scott [5:07]: but there's too many things still in the way

Stiles [5:09] : There's nothing you can say that I haven't

Stiles [5:10]: I need your help.

Scott [5:10] : you've never asked before

Stiles [5:12] : I know what I've done wrong. The only way out is the way I've been avoiding. I'm just lost and sad

Scott [5:13] : I'm lost too. Lost and angry. We can get through this together.

Stiles looked at Allison's headstone through tear-filled eyes and smiled. He was shivering but he didn't know if it was from exhaustion or from the cold, he got close enough to wrap his arms around her headstone and let the tears come back full force.

He could imagine Allison standing over him, standing next to his mother, as they both laughed at him.

"He's always been a bit ridiculous. " his mother told Allison. "Quick to blame himself for things he can't control."

"I can tell." She said with a small laugh and a shake of her head "as if I could ever hate him." She scoffed like the thought was impossible to her. "He's putting himself through so much. Hopefully he'll start to heal now."

Claudia smiled at Allison "We've done all we can, now that you're business is done you can finally rest." The both looked at Stiles one last time.

"Rest easy loyal confidant," Stiles mumbled as his eyes got heavy "you can sleep now." And for the first time in a long time, so could Stiles.

-

The transition wasn't immediate, nor was it complete. Stiles was way too invested in his new lifestyle to truly go back to pre-nogitsune Stiles. That Stiles was more than dead, he was replaced with the new Stiles.

This Stiles had more confidence to his walk, more mischief in the upturn of his lip, more sex in the swish of his hip. This Stiles had a darker twinkle in his eye and a scarier glint to his threats. This Stiles didn’t know if he had been changed for the better, but he knew he had been changed for good.

Cora had made her way back when she heard about Jennifer’s ghost. Though Stiles had a sinking suspicion that she only came back to make sure her brother was okay. Given Derek’s history with Jennifer, with women in general actually, Stiles couldn’t blame her one bit.

The thing about Cora was that she was very perceptive. She had a special talent for calling others out on their self-sacrificing bullshit but that was bound to happen with Derek as a brother. It made Stiles a bit nervous because he knew he had moved on from the Denial stage of grief to the isolation stage. So Stiles was having a different sort of breakdown and everyone was on high Stiles alert. It’s a good thing Stiles had mastered the art of faking it.

After that night at the graveyard Stiles was more or less the same person outwardly. He was still hyperactive and silly but there was something there...something different and maybe a little bit dangerous. Yet underneath all of that there was something about Stiles that no one really understood. Stiles was very loyal, very clever, and had a very large sense of self importance. But underneath all of that he felt very, very small. And the nogitsune fed on that inner chaos while he was inside him, he fed off of it like he had an IV of Stiles’ pain straight to his stomach.

Stiles was better seen than heard, it didn’t stop him from talking a mile a minute, but he knew that his life would be much easier if he would just shut the fuck up every once in a while. Yet when he thought back on it, were those his words or the Nogitsune’s? He wasn’t sure anymore, but after everything that had happened in these past few months, everything that happened with the pack, he knew the score okay? He knew he was the least important person in the pack, the weakest link that would eventually get them all killed. The Nogitsune had helped him see the light so now he embraced the dark.

His input had little to no value and he was only kept around for his research, that and the fact that he was the only human that could control mountain ash. With Lana as the head witch he wasn’t really needed for magic. He knew he was technically the Emissary but his relationship with Scott had been so rocky lately Scott wouldn’t even ask Stiles what kind of Coffee he should buy. For right now he was a non factor, which is why he couldn't comprehend why everyone in the pack was staring at him now.

"Is there something on my face?" He asked, rubbing at his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Are you okay?" Cora asked him seriously.

"Yeah I'm fine, why?" He asked looking around.

"I just-" Cora stopped and shook his head "nothing, pay attention."

"Gotcha." Stiles mumbled immediately drawing back into his little bubble of self-pity.

The meeting passed quickly after that, Stiles was brought out of his thoughts by the arrival of pizza.

"God bless Papa John." Stiles sighed into his slice. Scott snickered and even Derek gave a huff of amusement.

"You were quiet today Stiles." Kira commented quietly "something on your mind?"

"Just your beautiful face." He told her with a smile.

She giggled and he winked at her, Scott was not amused.

"Dick."

Stiles shrugged "I can't help it Scotty, I'm smooth."

"Like raw sewage." Derek mumbled.

"Ha, Ha" Stiles laughed rolling his eyes.

"Seriously though," Lydia said with a flick of her hair "what's up with you?"

"Nothing." Stiles said biting into his pizza and talking with his mouth full "What's wrong with you guys?"

"Cute." Lydia scrunched up her face and took a bite of her own pizza.

"Seriously though." Stiles asked, "what's up with you guys?"

"We're...concerned" Cora said

"That's putting it mildly." Scott said "I'm really fucking worried man."

“Well you don’t need to be.” Stiles shrugged getting up.

"Don't you wanna know why we’re concerned?" Scott whined.

Stiles waved his hand in the air in dismissal “I’m fine guys, 100% A okay.” he grabbed his bookbag off of the chair and made his way towards the door.

“We’re not done with this conversation.” Scott yelled after him.

Stiles through up a peace sign and continued to walk away.

-

People whispered about him come school monday. They were all whispering about the gangly motor mouth that got dangerous over the weekend. He wore plaid like a leather jacket, brandished his car keys like a weapon, and spent his time free time with Derek Hale.  Everyone heard that when he turned down Lydia Martin at her last party because he was banging the Hale.

They heard he turned down Danny that same night.

Stiles was never sure where the rumors came from, but as he kissed the side of Lydia's temple and moved to kiss Danny's cheek in the same breath he understood why people believed them.

He sat next to Scott, steadfastly ignoring the empty chair that Allison used to sit in. Kira sat there now, but only because the others had practically forced her to. Allison wouldn't have wanted them to memorialize any of her things, she would have wanted to be remembered in the midst of battle, not in a plastic blue chair. Yet it was almost impossible for anyone to look at that chair unless Kira was sitting in it.

"You're so quiet." Danny bumped Stiles' shoulder, causing him to look up.

Stiles leaned close to Danny, his lips grazing the shell of his ear  "A blowjob would make me a lot more talkative."

Danny tensed and blushed, he shoved Stiles away from him "Stop fucking around Stiles."

"I'm not fucking around." Stiles told him, looking up at Danny through his lashes "Not yet."

Danny flushed deeper and waved him off. Stiles laughed and went back to his lunch, grinning into his sandwich as he saw several people whispering and glancing at him.

He wasn't all that surprised when someone came up to the table. A freshman, shaking but determined, came up to his table and tapped on Stiles shoulder.

"You’re Stiles right? Can...can we talk?"

"If by talk you mean fuck in the bathroom then yes."

The freshman stepped back in surprised but nodded after a moment. "I think I'd like that."

He winked at his friends before he slid his chair back. He put his arm around the freshman's waist and pulled her close, dragging his nose against the side of his face as they walked, she shivered but said nothing.

Stiles waited until they had exited the cafeteria to crowd the girl into a corner, boxing her in with his arms. He dipped his head down and grazed his lips across her forehead "you don't have to do this you know."

"W-what?"

"You don't have to fuck me just because your friends said you couldn't." He continued as though she hasn't spoken "I'll lie and say that we did, or we could just forget this now. Say that we went to and got caught by a teacher."

"You'd really do that?" She asked, her bottom lip trembling.

He smiled at her softly and moved his hands from the wall to her waist. "I'd really do that."

The girl looked like she wanted to cry and nodded "Yeah, let's say we got caught by a teacher."

Stiles chuckled at her and brought her in for a hug "You're cute"

The girl pulled back and kissed Stiles, quickly but firmly. "You’re much nicer than everyone says."

Stiles hummed and kissed her again. Licking her bottom lip and smiling internally when she sighed into the kiss. "It was nice to meet you Esmeralda." He smirked and walked back into the cafeteria.

"How did he know my name?" He head her ask herself, he chuckled to himself and looked over to her friends, he winked at them and then looked behind him to see Esmeralda rushing in behind him, her face flushed but her smile bright. Stiles couldn't help but laugh as he walked over to her "Maybe next time." He mumbled kissing her gently. He walked away and counted to three when he heard her friend start squeaking behind him.

Stiles sat down in his spot and all his friends smiled at him.

"What?"

Malia smiled at him "You're a good guy Stiles."

"I'm an even better fuck." He grinned.

Malia smirked but didn't rise to his bait, they had messed around in Echo House but her taste had shifted towards someone more petite with strawberry blond hair, Stiles could relate.

"We heard what you did for that girl." Scott said with a small smile.

Stiles shrugged but the small smile on his lips made everyone burst into lighthearted laughter.

-

Stiles slid into his bed and waited, smirking when not five minutes later his window slid open.

"I heard you pretended to fuck a girl in the bathroom today."

Stiles rolled around and smiled at Peter "All that means is that I didn't get laid." He pushed himself up and crossed his legs. "You're not the Hale I was expecting. Not anymore"

Peter didn’t rise to the bait "We need to talk."

"Once again. I think I'm talking to the wrong Hale."

"My nephew is in love with you."

Stiles blinked at Peter. "Okay."

"Do you love him back?"

"Funny." Stiles cocked his head to the side "I think you mispronounced the word can."

Peter shifted but didn't correct Stiles. "After everything that happened..."

"I know that he loves me but for the life of me I don’t understand how or why. Aside from me cheating on him multiple times in the beginning of our relationship I'm just this useless person that will eventually suck him and his entire pseudo pack dry."

"You're not useless."

Stiles crinkled up his face "That's what you took from that?"

"When did you start thinking you were useless?"

Stiles shrugged "I don't know man, I just realized one day. I'm like backdrop you know, uncolored backdrop that no one would miss if it were to be torn down."

Peter looked mildly uncomfortable, as he usually did when he was presented with emotions. "your father-"

"See's my mother every time he looks at me. It doesn’t matter because he has Melissa now." Stiles said with a small smile. "Scott has Kira and Isaac, Lydia has Malia, Lana has you, all you Hales have each other and the pack is stable now. The whole sad point is that no one would miss me if I died."

Peter stood there staring at Stiles for a moment. "I don't....you've thought about this a lot."

Stiles shrugged.

"I'm gonna....I'm gonna go."

Stiles sighed, closing his eyes, almost as if he was willing Peter away. "See you howling at the moon little wolf."

When he opened his eyes, Peter was gone.

-

“You know it’s good that you’re not stuffing yourself with drugs or trying your hand at vigilantism but concaving into a ball of self hate is just a different poison.” Lydia mentioned while they were doing AP biology homework.  

“It’s definitely the lesser of two evils.” He told her.

“Is that about the drinking or yourself?”

He gave an over amused pout “Do you think I’m evil?”

She glanced at him “Do you care what I think?”

“No.” He answered immediately “Not anymore, not for a very long time.”

Lydia winced but she expected it. “Who do you care about then?”

“Derek.” Stiles answered, looking away from his homework. “My Dad, Scott.”

“Scott?”

“Are you surprised? I thought it was established that I can’t function properly without him. I didn’t have him after the whole...demon thing and I just sort of became….” He gestured at himself as though it was an explanation, it sort of was.

Lydia nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be.” Stiles told her. “You guys didn’t just leave me, you hid from me. You spent your time in the one place I could never go. You were all wrong, but I do understand.” He licked his lips. “I understand you. If you had forced yourself to be around me you would have hated me forever.”

She shook her head “I took too much time. We all did. We didn’t want to face everything and when Isaac came home and told us what happened at the grocery store I think we all realized it was too late.”

Stiles huffed and put his pen between his teeth. “Home..” He mused.

“What?”

“You said when Isaac came home, is that what the house became to you? A home?”

“I guess so.” Lydia looked down. “We were always there, if something happened that bothered us we would just end up there eventually.”

“Sounds nice.” He sighed. “I didn’t really have that, dive bars were my home. Waking up in a strangers bed gave me the same feeling as a hug and until Derek that’s how I spent a lot of my time. Back alleys with crack heads, catching a hit with the stoners and drug dealers was my home.”

“You didn’t have a home, but you had a family. Lana, Malia, Kira, Peter and Derek. They all became your family, and with the help of your father they all helped you do something we never would have let you do.”

“What? Die?”

“No, wallow.” Her homework was forgotten in the conversation. “We never would have let you wallow in your own sadness because you would have been too busy taking care of us. You needed time to cry and scream and freak out because you had a part of you life stolen from you. You’ve been covered in the blood of people you’ve never met. It was terrible of us to leave you, but I think it’s all going to work out in the end.”

Stiles looked at her for a long time. “I hope you’re right.”

“I always am.”

Stiles couldn’t disagree with her there.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this might be over in 3 or 4 chapters but I'm not sure. I'm also not sure how happy this happy ending will be.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Who are you?” The guy groaned out.  
> Before Stiles could answer Scott came over and leaned over to yell in his face. “I’m Scott fucking McCall, who the fuck are you?”

"Oh what a waste of a perfectly _good, clean, **wrist.**_ " Disasterology, Pierce the Veil 

* * *

 You never know how sick you are until you try to recover. It was something that Stiles was starting to realize as he tapped absently on the desk with his pen. None of the teachers words were making it past his spiral of “I need a drink, I need weed, I need a pill. I need a drink, I need weed, I need a pill.” Over and over in his head, spinning around until he could see the words in-front of his eyes.  

He was drowning right now, drowning in the lack of the monster swinging in his veins. He missed it, ached with the lack of burn in his lungs. The curse of his clear head, forcing him to actually think for once.

His wrists were tingling, a feeling he hadn’t felt since his mother died. The urge to bleed, the urge to cut and die and cry and hurt. Everything was so screwed up again but everything was better than it had ever been. That’s what everyone kept saying, everything was better and you’ll feel better in time. “Don’t worry.” they tell him. “Everything’s going to be okay.” and they mean well but nothing is really okay anymore.

Jennifer was still in the woods but Chris had taken his rifle out of his ass and taken over the primary investigation along with Stiles’ father. They promised that they would let the pack know when they found anything solid, which they wouldn’t because there was nothing solid to find. Cause Jennifer was a ghost, and she was transparent, hehe.

Stiles gave a weak laugh and Finstock spun on him, walking towards his desk and leaning in close.

“Stilinski!” He yelled in his face, for no apparent reason.

“Yeah coach?” Stiles asked, a faint smile still on his lips.

“It’s been too long since I’ve seen you smile.” He said quietly, patting Stiles on the shoulder and moving on with the class.

Scott looked over at Stiles and gave him a tentative smile, Stiles nodded and smiled back, took a deep breath, and tried to pay attention to class.

* * *

He didn’t feel as bad as he thought when he finally broke and lit up in his car, mostly because he had Scott with him. Scott took the joint from his hands and took a deep inhale, blowing it towards the ceiling before speaking softly.

“Do you ever think about death?”

and ugh, Scott would be the one. “Yeah, a lot more now than I used to.”

Scott nodded as if he knew all along, and he probably did. “I used to think about it a lot. When we were apart from each other and I was angry at the air for keeping me alive.” Scott licked his lips. “I used to last out a lot, at Isaac, at my dad, at unmoving objects.” Because Scott was way to0 high to remember the word inanimate “There are holes in the argents house that don’t match the holes in my heart.” He took another hit, inhaling enough for him to shiver slightly and cough a bit on the exhale. “I knew you were in much deeper than I was and I wanted to be your anchor but I was scared I’d drown you. My mother told me I couldn’t run from my problems but I’m a werewolf. No one can run as fast as I can.” He took one last hit before handing the blunt off to Stiles.

He sighed “How terrible it is to love something that death can touch.” He took a hit while Scott chuckled.

“Didn’t Dumbledore say that?”

“Someone said it, it’s still true. You lost someone.”

“Yeah but you lost everyone, and that was my fault.”

Stiles took another hit. “Well you’re here now. The anxiety I feel overwhelms me, and I only see the worst side to everything but you’re here now. I have you and I have Derek.”

“You have two broken bastards trying to put you back together.” Scott sighed, holding out his hand for the joint. “How is that any better than being broken in the first place?”

“We’re building each other up, not tearing each other down. I have everyone now, I have my make-shift pack that was with me when you were gone, and now I have my old pack, that was with me with everything started. We're fucking crazy, but we're free.”

“Do you think you’ll ever forget it?” Scott asked quietly.

Stiles looked at him surprised, “I’m going to get over it, one day. But you can’t forget something like this, no matter how much you…” He took a deep hit and spoke on the exhale. “drink, snort, or shoot into your veins. The memory stalks you forever and creeps up to maul you like a rabid dog when you least expect it.”

“Damn.” Scott said, looking at Stiles strangely. “you’ve been spending too much time on Tumblr.”

Stiles shrugged but he also laughed. “Yeah that’s probably true, it helps though. Knowing I’m not the only one that hurts like this. I’m both happy and sad and I’m trying to figure out how that could be.”

“That’s from that wallflower movie.” Scott said with a bright smile. “We were never wallflowers.”

“We were just losers.” Stiles laughed.

“Yeah.” Scott sighed, taking the blunt from Stiles “Sometimes I wish we still were.”

-

How they ended up in the back alley of a club Stiles had no idea, but Scott was next to him beating the shit out of some guy that had pulled them out of the club and Stiles couldn’t bring himself to care.

Stiles had the other guy pressed up against the wall and he threw him down on the ground. Stiles put his foot on the guys junk and stepped down hard.

“Who are you?” The guy groaned out.

Before Stiles could answer Scott came over and leaned over to yell in his face. “I’m Scott fucking McCall, who the fuck are you?”

“I’m no one man! I’m no one!”

Stiles laughed and kicked the guy in the side. “Not so big now huh no one?” He shook his head and nodded at Scott. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

Scott laughed and grabbed onto Stiles as they walked away.

“Can we create something beautiful?” He yelled out, causing Stiles to laugh and yell with him “And destroy it!” They sang all the way back to Derek’s loft and crashed on the couch, when they woke up the next morning with Derek standing over them glaring down.

“No.” Stiles said, rolling over and snuggling closer into Scott.

Derek huffed. “I’d like to sit on my couch and watch the news Stiles.”

Scott groaned and rolled them off of the couch, they grumbled a little but got comfortable after a moment.

Derek sighed heavily. “What happened to the two of you last night.”

“Drugs, sex, and rock and roll. Minus the sex.” Stiles mumbled.

“Should I be telling your dad to look out for dead bodies?”

“Nah.” Scott sighed, sitting up to stretch. “Just some broken assholes who deserved what they got.”

“Get back down here and cuddle me.” Stiles complained.

Derek laughed and Scott complied.

Everyone was right with the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, chapter is so very short.  
> I really like this chapter, like I haven't written for this since I posted the last chapter and then I woke up today and just started writing and I really like this chapter so if anyone has any complaints about this chapter please go ahead and keep them to yourselves.  
> I'm writing this Teen Wolf rich kids AU and I banged out 3k and I'm no where near done with this fic so you guys have that to look for and I'm gonna get plastered tonight and then write and edit in the morning so I have that to look forward to.


	8. Quiet day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He sighed and gave up on whatever he was typing, a paper for Finstock or something, and switched tabs to Tumblr. He signed out of his personal blog and signed on to his RP blog. His face claim was Zachary Quinto and he was a mildly sociopathic doctor working at a mental hospital. Stiles enjoyed the irony.

Can you exhale, so I can watch you  **breath.** \- Lila Ignite, Exhale

* * *

 

Stiles was in a mood.

He was sitting on his bed, curled in on himself typing away at his computer, one of the many bands he had on his Itunes playing over his speakers. Cute boys with black hair crooning about love and how much it burned. Stiles was pretty over it if he was being honest.

He felt his eyebrows draw down as his father passed by his room and shouted.  “Stiles, go downstairs and get something to eat.”

“Not hungry.” He mumbled, not moving his face from his pillow so the word came out muffled. He sighed and gave up on whatever he was typing, a paper for Finstock or something, and switched tabs to Tumblr. He signed out of his personal blog and signed on to his RP blog. His face claim was Zachary Quinto and he was a mildly sociopathic doctor working at a mental hospital. Stiles enjoyed the irony.

Though he did seem to be drawn to sociopaths and people with sociopathic tendencies, see Peter and Lana for details.

His frowned deepened as he wondered what was going on there, were they still living together? Why had Peter allowed her to move in with him in the first place? Malia doesn’t even live with her father, she stayed in the loft with Derek and Cora. Maybe Lana was also his daughter. Maybe they were fucking. Maybe both.

Stiles wouldn’t put it past either of them.

Stiles was shaking his foot quickly as he sat there, he sighed as he read the replies to his thread and decided that he wouldn’t reply. His foot moving quickly underneath him. He moved his shoulders around and paused the music, glaring at nothing as he listened to his father move around downstairs to answer the door.

Derek was here, his father was letting him in the door as Stiles decided to ignore them in-favor of the internet and his music. He didn’t say anything when Derek came into his room, nor did he say anything when Derek sat at the edge of his bed.

“Stiles.” Derek’s deep voice making Stiles smile slightly into his pillow. “Haven’t seen you in a few days.”

Stiles shrugged, he hasn’t seen Derek in a few days, he hasn’t seen anyone in a few days.

“You okay?” Derek hedged.

Stiles ignored him in favor of using his torso to lift himself up and look out the window, a noisy car catching his interest as it rumbled past. Stiles squinted out the window, a scowl on his face, before laying back down and resuming his typing. “Restless.” He mumbled.

“You’ve been restless?” Derek tried to confirm, Stiles stretched out one of his legs and nodded, changing the song before going back to his typing.

Stiles’ father looked into the room. “Did you eat?”

“No.” Stiles mumbled, looking over at his father sideways.

“Make sure you find something to eat.” His father said, pointing at him.

“Kay.” He blinked and by the way Derek’s face twitched he could only guess that he was being accidentally cute.

He father nodded and walked away.

Stiles went back to his computer and Derek sighed.  “Stiles?”

“Yeah?”

“Restless?”

“Indeed.” Stiles mumbled. “Restless and bothered.”

Derek hummed but didn’t say anything else. They sat there in comfortable silence, Stiles’ fingers tap tap tapping away at the keys on his keyboard. Derek, just sort of sitting there, eyes closed and body slack with relaxation.

The sheriff walked past fifteen minutes later. “I’m making meatless lasagna.”

“Dad no.” Stiles said, scrambling off the bed to follow his father, Derek followed behind him silently, a small curious smile on his face.

“What?” The sheriff asked. “I thought you wanted me to eat healthy.”

“Throw some ground beef in there or something.” Stiles complained, plastering himself against his father’s back as the sheriff grabbed a box of pasta from the shelf.

“It’s frozen and I’m hungry now Stiles,”

“Throw it in the microwave.” Stiles tried again.

“That’s not good for you.” He countered.

“I’m not dead yet.” Stiles countered, The sheriff just sighed and moved to grab something when Stiles put his weight on his father. “Dad no.”

“Stiles I’m hungry.” His father complained.

“Derek.” Stiles whined. “Go buy us food.”

“What do you want?” Derek asked with a small smile.

“A burger and fries from Five Guys.” The Sheriff answered before Stiles could say anything.

Derek looked to Stiles before moving but the teen was busy writing down his burger toppings on a piece of paper so Derek shrugged and put on his coat. Stiles had asked him to go out and pick up a number of dangerous and distressing things for him over the last few months. A burger and fries? Well, Derek might just pick up a wedding ring on his way back.

-

“Derek got me a fucking promise ring.” Stiles said as soon as Scott answered the door.

“Is that bad?” He asked as Stiles marched past him into the house.

“What?” Stiles spun around just before he hit the stairs, “Bad? He gave me a promise ring. That’s great.”

“Then why are you here at 2 am?” He asked closing the door and pushing Stiles up the stairs.

“Cause I need you to reassure me that I won’t end up under some random guy within the next twenty four hours.”

“What?” Scott asked. “Why would you need me for that?”

“I don’t know how to do things properly anymore.” Stiles told him truthfully.

“So you’re worried that you’re going to cheat on Derek because you’re still getting over being a useless fuck up with no morals or inhibitions?”

Stiles just nodded.

“You’re making pancakes in the morning.” Scott told him as he pulled Stiles into his bed with him.

The pancakes had chocolate chips which was good. Scott’s dad stopped by for breakfast which was slightly less good. Scott and Melissa were a little nervous about it, Stiles seemed happy about it, which made Scott and Melissa even more nervous.

“It’s nice to see you around again Stiles.” Rafael told him the next morning, Stiles stared at him blankly as he chewed on his pancakes so Scott answered for him.

“He’s been going through some stuff.” He patted his friend on the shoulder and tried not to flinch when Stiles side eye’d him hard.

“I can tell.” His father said, Stiles simply rose an eyebrow. “Well it’s like your eyes have aged a hundred years since I’ve seen you last.”

Melissa let out a small hysterical giggle and Stiles just smirked. “I read a lot.”

Rafael nodded after a moment and went back to his breakfast, Scott and Melissa looked more than a little queasy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so short but what can yah do?

**Author's Note:**

> I think this is going to be about healing, which is a bit of a challenge for me  
> I don't know how to cope, how to deal with loss and death properly, so maybe while researching for this story I can learn...how to let go without feeling like I'm betraying you.


End file.
